i don't know where to start. he's the breath of fresh air i've needed for so long. i know he's amazing, but tonight showed me that he's not only amazing, yet beautiful in every way possible. i don't want to tell you here. taboo and what-not. i'm afraid if i write it down i might lose it. i mean, talking about it made me think i'd lose it. joel is the first guy i've been able to talk to about these things with. mikey, well we never talked. and noah, well, fuck that. he doesn't count. i've never felt this way before with anyone, the way i feel with joel. he says the most AMAZING things to me, and it leaves me speechless. i seriously have nothing to say after he tells me that i mean as much to him as home means to him. what could i say to that? i know how much he loves home. how much it means to him.
he wants to say i love you, but knows its to early. i think so to, but oh, how i wish to say it. it would lift a boulder so huge. i know and he knows, we know, that we mean it. i said i feel if i say it, it'd only make it easier for me to lose him.
by opening up that door, the door to love, there are no other doors with locks. he's at the end of the path to my heart, there's no more. and if i let him in, oh, the damage he could do.
i know he wouldn't.
but something inside me is building up the wall and putting more locks on the door to my heart. i never wanted to open up the door again, i mean, not much is left. feelings, anyways. i cried, but the tears were dry. i ran out. i think i should tell him that.
how i feel towards joel is indescribable. and i believe love is indescribable. he creates this feeling within me that makes me feel...
content.
happy.
joyous.
amazing.
any other positive verb you can think of. and it's not enough.
"those three words, have said too much. but not enough."
.snow patrol.
for the first time in my life i can say i know what it feels like to have the person you love, love you back. it's phenomenal.
i can breathe for the first time.
the way he looks at me, i can see it in his eyes. his big brown eyes, they say so much more than his lips. i can read them better than a book.
they tell the story of his life. the good the bad the ugly.
i find myself searching for the joel that's ready to love, and he's scared. lost. alone.
afraid.
i get lost in his story. his eyes. while staring at something so beautiful, time stops. breathing is impossible. i hold it in for fear of exploding.
he makes me so fucking happy, i'm shaking. crying dry tears.
i love you is a strong phrase. it means the world. it takes awhile for one to mean these words. but in a month and a half i see myself wishing to say it when i say goodnite. i see myself holding back, knowing it's too early. and when he told me all this, and i could see how he felt the same way...
even though it hadn't been said, he lifted that huge boulder. he's lifted it.
saying it was so easy. but it nearly hurt to hear it.
no one's ever said that to me, and mean it.
and in his big brown eyes, i could see he meant it.
i understood why he was so scared, because i am too. i am so fucking scared. i know that i'll never lose him.
i'll never regret. forget. let go. never.
joel jeffrey wedge jr.
when i'm not with him, i find myself wishing i was. he makes things seem brighter.
i ---- joel.
it's too early, iknow.
we mean it.
<3charlenekristen
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amused
cold
drained